Honest thoughts from a broken life

My days are often plagued with guilt. Shame. Disappointment with myself. I’m often sorely disappointed with myself.

You should be feeling this way, not that way, I’ll whisper to myself. Then the words of judgement continue… Seriously? Why can’t you just enjoy this moment?

Or, why are you so anxious? The fact that you’re freaking out right now shows me that you’re a fraud. It shows me that you can’t do this.

These thoughts of disappointment with myself, guilt and just plain sour-hearted shame have me wrapped up in a straitjacket many days. I fumble my way through, trying to avoid triggers while carrying the dull heaviness in the pit of my belly that I’m not strong enough, not good enough, not brave enough, not hard working enough. Simply, I have begun to believe the lie that I am not enough.

And here’s the thing. I’ve got dreams in my heart and goals on my wall and tasks on my list. These things take effort and pushing through and heart space. And they take headspace. Especially this stuff – the creative stuff.

And the fact that I feel guilty for feeling the strain means I find myself unable to keep pushing through that day. It means I have days where I barely get anything done. I just get through. And on those days, that’s a feat.

Yesterday I was reading ‘Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls’ and these words spoke to me…

To the rebel girls of the world:

Dream bigger

Aim higher

Fight harder

And, when in doubt, remember

You are right.

And then I read Loop for Women this morning…….

Take a risk and fall down.

Take a risk and not know what you’re doing.

Take a risk and feel ill-equipped to finishe the task.

Take a risk and feel overwhelmed.

And then stop….

You are made to soar, to risk – with Me – and see Me and grab My hand and live unlike you’ve ever lived before: Free.

You, My daughter, are the princess-warrior who knows who she is and goes forward saying ‘yes’ to situations where you have to rely on Me.

And then, girl, you will see more of what I see. Then, girl, you will see more of you.

And you will stop second-guessing.

And life with Me will make more sense.

I’m getting this message, loud and clear:

Jump in girl, have a go. You’re brave, you’re strong, you’re not alone. And if you fail, good on you. It means you’ve tried and pushed and kept on going.

I’m getting this message:

Failure is not an end. It’s another step up. So don’t fear it.

Fear isn’t a weakness, it’s the by-product of pushing through to the next level. 

Guilt isn’t truth. It’s a lie. Straight from the enemy who doesn’t want us to succeed.

So today I’m kicking it to that lie.

The Bible tells me:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

And each time I feel my back slammed up against that cold wall of shame, those words will be forefront.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Each time I feel disappointment tying my arms up and stringing the straitjacket to my body, I’ll remember this truth.

I am enough. I am chosen. I am called. I am fallen and broken and beautifully messy. I’m just the way He made me.

Background image by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

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